As parents, we all want what’s best for our children – to raise them to be kind, responsible, and well-adjusted individuals. In our pursuit of this goal, the topic of physical discipline often sparks heated debates. While some believe that a judicious use of physical force can be an effective disciplinary tool, others oppose. I am no one to comment on which style of parenting is better than the other. I reckon that each child brings with them their own unique challenges; just like there is no one size fit all approach to therapy, same goes for parenting.
However, I would like to share an interesting piece of research that has helped me reframe discipline entirely. A landmark study by renowned psychologist Albert Bandura, the Bobo doll experiment revealed the powerful influence of observation on children’s behaviour. When children witnessed adults being physically aggressive towards the Bobo doll, they were more likely to emulate that behaviour themselves in solitude (Bandura et al.,1961). This suggests that using physical punishment as a disciplinary measure may inadvertently teach children that violence is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
Moreover, a growing body of research has linked physical discipline to a range of negative outcomes, including increased aggression, antisocial behaviour, mental health problems and impaired parent-child relationships (Gershoff et al.,2016).l As a counsellor working with both adults and children, I witness these effects first hand and it is truly heartbreaking. These children are often easily dysregulated and anxious, struggling to control their emotions and impulses. Despite hating the method, they find themselves unable to break the cycle of violence, frequently lashing out and using aggression at school. The psychological impacts are even more concerning, some of these children believe they are “not good enough”, internalising the message that they deserve to be beaten. Others resort to cursing and defiance, a defence mechanism against the pain they’ve experienced.
The effects don’t stop there. In my work with adult clients, I’ve heard countless stories of the lasting trauma inflicted by physical discipline. The report felt emotionally scarred, holding deep-seated grudges towards their parents-even decades later. These individuals often grapple with low self-esteem and skewed sense of boundaries, unsure of where to draw the line or protect themselves from other forms of abuse.
It is not easy to be a parent, and a parent too has their own emotional baggage and trauma. Research by Ateah & Durrant (2005) concluded that children who experience physical discipline are more likely to use it with their own children. Breaking this cycle or choosing a path of non-violent discipline is not always easy, it requires a great deal of awareness, acceptance, resilience and patience. However by fostering a nurturing environment through positive reinforcement, clear communication, age-appropriate consequences and modelling the behaviours we wish to see in our children, we can guide them towards developing self-discipline, empathy, healthy conflict resolution skills, a healthy sense of worth-without the lasting scars of physical force.
References:
Ateah, C. A., & Durrant, J. E. (2005). Maternal use of physical punishment in response to child misbehavior: Implications for child abuse prevention. Child Abuse & Neglect, 29(2), 169–185. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2004.10.005
Bandura, A., Ross, D., & Ross, S. A. (1961). Transmission of aggression through imitation of aggressive models. The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 63(3), 575–582. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045925
Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000191